As an introvert, small talk does not come easily to me. For years, I viewed it as a necessary evil, a barrier I had to hurdle before getting to the “real” conversation.

But over time, I’ve realized that the problem isn’t that I’m bad at small talk. The problem is that most of what we categorize as small talk is actually just lazy, superficial, and ineffective.

We all know the script by heart:

“How are you?”
“How’s your day going?”

And almost without fail, the response is:

“Good. How about you?”

Then, we move on. Nothing is learned. Nothing is uncovered. No connection is built.

This exchange is the verbal equivalent of a limp handshake. It doesn’t strengthen relationships. Most critically, it fails to help us understand the people we are talking to, whether they are customers, prospects, colleagues, or partners.

We need to stop treating small talk as filler and start treating it as a skill. Here is why we are getting it wrong and how we may try to fix it.

Broadcasting vs. listening

Stephen R. Covey famously said, “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.”

In professional settings, this dynamic is often fueled by impatience. We ask a question, but mentally, we are already three steps ahead. We aren’t listening for the answer. We are simply waiting for a pause in the audio so we can insert our next talking point.

The initial question becomes a formality, like a speed bump we have to tap the brakes for before we accelerate back into talking about ourselves, our product, our idea, or our agenda.

That seems like broadcasting instead of communication.

If we want better conversations, we have to slow down. We need to get curious and actually engage with what the other person is saying without immediately steering the ship back to our own port.

Ask questions that move forward

A lot of traditional small talk looks backward. It asks people to recap, summarize, or report on something that is already over.

Instead of the standard “How was your weekend?”, try shifting the focus to the present or future:

• “What is your main priority for this week?”
• “What is the one thing that would make this week a success for you?”

These questions accomplish a few important things simultaneously:

1. They create momentum. They move the conversation forward rather than asking for a historical report.
2. They respect boundaries. Not everyone wants to discuss their personal time or family life in a professional setting (and the discomfort when they don’t is often obvious).
3. They surface value. They immediately reveal goals, pressure points, and opportunities for you to be helpful.

Most importantly, they invite real answers. When you ask someone about their priorities, you get a response that naturally leads to better follow-up questions, rather than shutting the conversation down with a polite “Good, thanks.”

Curiosity uncovers layers

Scripts keep conversations on the surface, whereas curiosity digs deeper.

Good conversations, even the ones that start small, should help you uncover the layers of context surrounding a person or a problem. To do this, you need to move beyond binary “good/bad” questions.

Try asking:

• “What is challenging right now?”
• “What has changed recently in your approach?”
• “What is working better than expected?”
• “What feels harder than it should be?”

When we ask thoughtful follow-up questions based on these answers, we create space for honesty and nuance. 

This matters even more when you are talking to customers or prospects. If you aren’t genuinely curious, you will miss the context that actually shapes their decisions. You will hear what they need, but you might miss why they need it.

Engaging the quiet voices (especially on Zoom)

Our current era of virtual work has introduced a new hurdle for small talk. Group calls, especially on platforms like Zoom or Teams, tend to reward the loudest voices or the quickest wifi connections.

The quiet people often have the most considered perspectives, but they won’t jump in unless you intentionally create room for them.

If you are leading a meeting or a call, you can facilitate better connection by changing how you manage the airtime:

• Pause intentionally. Stop filling every silence with your own voice.
• Invite input without pressure. Try saying, “I’d love to hear another perspective here,” rather than calling on someone abruptly.
• Normalize thinking time. State clearly, “I’m going to pause for a moment, so feel free to jump in.”

Silence isn’t failure. Often, it’s just processing. Give people the grace to think before they speak.

Small talk doesn’t mean trivial

One of the biggest misconceptions about small talk is that it must be about trivial things like the weather or sports.

It doesn’t. Small talk is simply a low-risk entry into connection. It is the on-ramp, not the destination.

Here are a few ways to improve your on-ramp without feeling fake or drained:

Ask fewer questions, but better ones

You don’t need to interview the other person. One thoughtful question, followed by real listening, beats five surface-level questions every time.

Follow the thread, not your agenda

If someone mentions something in passing, that is your opening. Pull on that thread. If they mention a difficult project, ask about it. Don’t redirect the conversation back to your pitch until you have explored their reality.

Talk less about yourself

This is uncomfortable but powerful. If you notice yourself constantly relating everything back to your own experience (“Oh, that happened to me too!”), pause. Ask another question instead. Let them have the floor.

Be patient with depth

Not every conversation will immediately get meaningful, and that is fine. Depth comes from consistency and attention, not intensity. Don’t force it.

It isn’t just about being “nice”

For those of us who work with customers, prospects, and teams, improving our small talk isn’t about being more personable for its own sake. It has a tangible ROI.

Better conversations lead to a better understanding of real challenges. That understanding leads to better solutions, stronger partnerships, and deeper trust.

And, as a bonus, they make the work more interesting.

Small talk isn’t small. It is a skill. It is one we can all get better at. And it starts with curiosity, not scripts.

When was the last time you intentionally leveled up your small talk game?