Venting: The not-so-silent culture killer

We’ve all been there. We experience frustration with a certain situation, or we simply disagree with a decision. Oh, how tempting it is to find a sympathetic ear and vent “to get it out”! Naturally, as we vent, our stories become colored with assumptions and are less focused on problem-solving. But that is just one of the many downsides of venting, which don’t just negatively affect you, but often your team and the company culture. Let’s take a deeper look at why we vent, why it’s bad for us, and how we can transition to a better approach.

Why we vent and let others vent

Venting makes you feel closer to the person that you’re venting to, says Ethan Cross in his article in EdWeek. When we are frustrated with something or someone, we look for allies and seek validation of our righteous indignation. In a post-pandemic world, a rather strange economic and quite divisive social climate, we crave a sense of support. Bonding over a perceived shared grievance seems to be an easy solution. We vent or we indulge someone else’s venting. For example, a new manager who wants to ingratiate themselves with their direct reports might not just listen to them complain, but actually fan the flames because it creates a sense of bonding. A team member who has been feeling disconnected might engage in venting with a colleague to feel a sense of camaraderie. 

Venting causes energy-levels to go up. A disengaged employee will feel energized, albeit in a negative and counter-productive way when complaining to a team member about a perceived injustice, unwanted behavior or decision. After all, the spurt of energy feels better than indifference or disengagement. 

Another reason why we vent is rooted in the misconception that it will make you feel better, which has been perpetuated for decades. It is often our go-to strategy. Even if we don’t vent in the workplace, we may go home and unleash our frustrations and the stories we’ve told ourselves on our spouses and partners, who may or may not be equipped to redirect the conversation into something more productive. 

Why venting is bad for us 

Contrary to popular belief, venting does not have the healing effects that we often attribute to it. Jill Suttie outlines the dark sides of venting in her article on Greater Good Magazine. “emotional venting likely doesn’t soothe anger as much as augment it. That’s because encouraging people to act out their anger makes them relive it in their bodies, strengthening the neural pathways for anger and making it easier to get angry the next time around”. So as we are venting, we don’t release our frustrations and grievances, but we’re making ourselves go through them again, often augmenting them, thus releasing higher cortisol levels into our bodies, which can result in a higher heart rate and even higher blood pressure, the long-term effects of which can’t be underestimated. 

Anna Maravelas’ book “Creating a Drama-Free Workplace” dedicates an entire section to the perils of venting. She points out the adverse impact on our health as well as the effects on our professional standing and credibility, and our company culture. When we’re in a venting mindset, she says, we’re “flooded”, which greatly impairs our ability to problem-solve. She also points out that venting can damage your relationships with your colleagues, who might know that if you speak ill of someone else, you likely speak ill of them as well. We could also be considered hypocritical. For example, if Bob unloads on John a litany of why Jane is unqualified, lazy, and just doesn’t care about the team and then acts delighted when interacting with Jane, John might consider Bob a hypocrite and assume that Bob will have no qualms talking poorly about him. This clearly does not foster a culture of trust. Instead, Bob does what Maravelas calls “bankrolling drama at the expense of seeking solutions.” It can even have a bigger ripple effect. If the venting revolves around the assumption that key players or leadership just “don’t care” why would team members feel that they are part of something great? Why would they continue to be engaged?

The “feel-good” sensation that we experience when venting can be compared to scratching a mosquito bite or rubbing our itchy eyes. It might feel good at the moment, but it doesn’t help. In fact, you irritate your body even more and crave more scratching. Now think about what you’re doing to the person that you’re venting to: you’re essentially scratching them or rubbing their eyes. Does that seem like a good idea? 

How to stop it

The good news is that we are capable of change. We just have to learn better techniques once we recognize the negative impact of venting. 

In preparation for one of our company meetings, we asked everyone to watch Cy Wakeman’s clip entitled “Why venting is unhealthy and wrong”. The discussion that ensued was wonderful. Many of us acknowledged that we had always thought that venting had a positive effect by getting frustration out of our system. We also admitted that we all vented at times. Looking at it from a new perspective was eye-opening. Awareness is the first step to improvement. 

Following Wakeman’s philosophy of reality-based leadership provides a great framework for establishing a culture of accountability and support. Before you go down a downward spiral, ask yourself “What do you know for sure?” For example, you may think that a team member doesn’t care about your department’s success because they missed a deadline. What do you know for sure? They missed a deadline. That’s it. Everything else is an assumption. If we follow the guideline of “the only acceptable assumption is to assume good intentions”, then we could stop our negative thoughts and start determining how we can help the situation and the team member. Similarly, we can help others by redirecting the conversation accordingly. Instead of fanning the flames of Mary’s indignation about Jack’s attitude/lack of respect/know-it-allism, you can make simple suggestions about how Mary can help Jack. This may be frustrating to Mary at first, but in the long term, you are increasing your chances of a better relationship between the two and an elevated company culture. Instead of getting a high from venting, help Mary get a “helper’s high,” as Maravelis calls it. 

You may also stress the importance of locus of control, which could be part of your company values. The team members who are most appreciated and most successful focus on things that they can control, not on external factors. They don’t play the blame game, they don’t form alliances against others, but they solve problems. Consider making locus of control part of your check-ins. 

Another technique involves talking about your own feelings and the impact on your own solution-finding abilities. How about showing vulnerability by saying “Steven, I want us to have a productive conversation that will be a win-win situation, but the way you’re communicating right now is not allowing me to problem-solve. Could we reconvene later today and focus on facts and how we all can help contribute to a solution?”

Hold yourself and your team members accountable. Stop yourself when you have the itch to vent. Find things to be grateful for, suggests Dr. Firdaus S. Dhabhar, Ph.D., a professor at the University of Miami Miller School of Medicine’s Department of Psychiatry. He also recommends channeling your energy into productive, healthy activities like exercise, spending time in nature, working on your hobbies, listening to music, meditating, or sleeping. Most importantly, “spend time with people you have meaningful connections with and focus on positive things.”

As there is overwhelming evidence about the negative effects of venting, let’s help each other develop healthier and more productive ways to handle frustrations. We’ll be better off as individuals and as a team. 

What about you? What are your ideas for eliminating venting and fostering a more cohesive, healthy, and positive company culture?